Forgiving and knowing how to give in are certainly virtues. Regarding the first, it is important to think that forgiving yourself and forgiving others is a noble act and extremely necessary to move forward in various situations in life. It is only through this act that we are able to recognize our mistakes (as well as understand other people's mistakes) and access a path to becoming better people.
However, being too self-complacent or even being extremely tolerant of the mistakes of others can corner us and bring unpleasant consequences. That's because forgiving too much and giving in too much can make us permissive. And a permissive person faces dilemmas and problems that address issues such as insecurity, lack of respect for oneself and passivity (the latter, in the negative sense).
What is a permissive person?
In short, being a permissive person is not knowing how to say “no”. Generally, to please others and not knowing how to face rejection, the permissive person accepts and accepts everything that is directed at him - requests, favors, invitations, etc. Say “yes” to that friend who borrowed money, say “yes” to the crush who insisted on exchanging some intimacy, say “yes” to someone toxic in your life, and so on.
In this wave of asking so many questions that he wanted to deny, the permissive person is constantly cornering himself in uncomfortable situations, which hurt him. This has serious consequences for the psychological not only in the short term, but also in the long term, since being someone so passive in social relationships can leave sequels for a lifetime. By allowing everything to everyone and always, this person is also allowing them to be abused and to be disrespected, allowing them to take advantage of that goodwill.
Are laziness and permissiveness the same thing?
Laziness and permissiveness are not necessarily the same thing, but certainly one can lead to the other. Laziness, at one time or another, can result in an unwanted “yes” being said, and this has probably happened to everyone at least once in their lives.
Sometimes, we are too lazy to refute something or someone, or else we find it too much work to have to justify and support our sincere “no”, so we just give in and end up getting involved in some situation that we initially didn't want to. Until then, all good! For now, we end up facing that situation to make an average with someone dear or end once and for all with something we've been rolling around for a long time.
The problem is when this becomes routine, and even worse: when we become unable to get around it and face the true answers of our wills. It is at this point that we surrender to permissiveness, which can be really harmful to our mental health, our relationships and our lives.
Is over-forgiveness a problem?
Knowing how to apologize, both to oneself and to others, is a noble act that allows many paths to clear and move forward, contributing to various processes and relationships in our lives. However, as much as it is known that nothing in excess is good, excess forgiveness also culminates in negative consequences for those who apologize too much.
That's because when we forgive someone too much, we get them used to making mistakes with us. For example, the person you are dating vacillates with you all the time, but you always give in and end up forgiving them, without them facing the consequences of their own mistake. So she will continue to falter, because she knows that in the end, she will always have your forgiveness and come out of her faults unscathed. And this also applies to our relationship with ourselves.
When we are too self-indulgent, we prevent ourselves from evolving. Too much tolerance for our mistakes and fixating ourselves as victims of every situation are symptoms of self-sabotage. While we forgive ourselves all the time, thinking we're breaking through respecting our boundaries and our mental health, we're actually doubting our own ability to act differently. To grow and change as human beings in constant process and mutation.
How to forgive yourself without being permissive?
While you shouldn't over-forgive yourself, it's also unhealthy for you to go to the other extreme of it, being too strict with yourself and not letting any of your flaws pass. It is important that there is a balance: that you know how to charge yourself, without leaning towards intense self-demand, but that you also know how to forgive yourself, without becoming a permissive person.
For this balance to exist, you must be aware of yourself and your unique processes. The answer to “How to forgive yourself without being permissive?” it is, in fact, an answer that can only come from you, in the face of what you observe of possibilities within your own life. Keep in mind that you need, above all, to respect yourself always. This includes respecting your coping processes and facing what takes you out of your comfort zone. And, before you go out forgiving everything you do, out of "pity" for yourself (which is what happens most of the time), rationalize.
When facing your mistakes, ask yourself if you really didn't have a way out or if you could have found another alternative. And most important of all: also be aware of the next times when similar things happen, so that you are awake and aware of your own attitudes, trying not to fall into the same mistakes.
How to forget without being permissive?
In the same way as the previous question of knowing how to forgive yourself without becoming a permissive person, forgetting and overcoming something without falling into permissiveness, it is about observing yourself and understanding the difference between what is acceptable in your life and what crosses you. a limit to the point of being harmful to you.
You shouldn't go around forgetting all the times they hesitated with you to be someone mature and well resolved. In fact, being someone mature and well-resolved works the other way around: you need to know how to impose limits. Don't allow anything to overstep your boundaries, and take your time to work out situations that hurt you or made you upset.
On the other hand, if someone else's vacillation is something that doesn't affect you so much, and that is liable to be forgotten, free yourself and don't waste time, let go of that other people's mistake. Again, the important thing is to always be aware of how things reverberate within yourself, respecting yourself.
Is fear of change also a problem?
Fear makes it impossible for us to walk many journeys that are essential to our personal evolution trajectory. While it's positive to keep us on our toes and avoid conflict, it can be a big problem. On the subject of permissiveness, the fear of change and facing life saying good "no" can be preventing you from achieving goals of paramount importance in your life.
Do you know a person who seems to be overly nice? Someone who never bothers about anything, doesn't impose limits on others, accepting any kind of behavior? At first, this individual is pleasant company, as he does everything for others, forgives all mistakes and never complains about anything. But is this person really happy? To reflect on this subject, you need to understand what a permissive person is and why you shouldn't be. Based on the information we've separated, analyze how you've been behaving to prioritize your well-being. Change your behavior if necessary!
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Still in this sense, it can be said that when you forgive yourself all the time and "give up" to your own mistakes constantly, you are turning down your chance for change. You are telling yourself that you cannot change; you are afraid of change and that is, yes, a problem that plagues you. As painful and challenging as it is, stepping out of your comfort zone and facing change is necessary. Dress with courage and then you will be surprised with the results that this movement will bring you!
Having said all that, we conclude that it is necessary, yes, to be tolerant with yourself and others, but it is also necessary to be sensible and judge if there is something harming you (whether it comes from outside, from the actions of others, or from yourself). In order not to be permissive, therefore, it is necessary not to allow yourself to be harmed or to harm yourself at the expense of your own health and well-being. Therefore, it is necessary to learn now to say “no” to what hurts you.
