Does this mean that we are hostages to what happens to us? It depends. The answer will be “yes” if we restrict ourselves to being affected by what happens to us, and it will be “no” if we add new elements that generate positive associations for our routines. This serves us for EVERYTHING, including our love relationships.
The routine of a couple can be exhausting, especially when we face difficulties or traumas together, as my husband and I went through recently, with the loss of the long-awaited twins, our Maria's.
The pain we face has generated several unconscious associations (guilts, fears, rejection, incapacity, deep sadness), which can even push us away from each other. What have I learned every day? That it is necessary to clearly understand that it is natural to have feelings like these present in our lives, especially when something bad happens, but that these negative feelings refer to the situation experienced, and not in relation to the other.
In the face of adversity, I have learned to look at my husband with the eyes of memory. And what does it mean? That I look at him rescuing the look of that passionate woman from the beginning of the relationship, with the spirit of a teenager, as if seeing his partner moving in slow motion. As if his every smile was a scene from a romantic music video. Are you going to say it's not like that when we fall in love? Put it in your memory… lol.
And, of course, on top of all that, we need to constantly align our common purpose. In a relationship where values ​​and purpose are aligned, there is no difficulty, loss, or trauma that overrides love.
I say it countless times and now more than ever I can say with conviction: love is a conscious decision. Especially after the chemistry of passion wears off, on average after two years of relationship. I've always wondered: what makes 20-year or 30-year marriages last? What sustains these couples who live so long together and continue to overcome adversities along the way? The answer is this: the decisions we make daily and the feelings we associate with each other.
It is in our hands the ability to activate our senses so that the look is sweet, the ears are attentive to capture what attracts us in the other, the taste is attracted to the kiss, the smell causes pleasant sensations that lead to touch, and that everything flows in an attractive and interesting way for both of you.
Relating is fueling a win-win negotiation. Both need to turn their eyes to what they gain by being together, these immaterial gains. Existential and relational gains. Disadvantages? Well, they will exist in everything we do, imagine if they wouldn't also exist in our love relationships. Now it's up to you to see more advantages in being together than in being alone.
Biblical wisdom says, relating to the emergence of man, in Genesis 2:18: “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a help meet for him.” In popular parlance, we often hear: “There is always an old slipper for a bare foot”. That's it! Having moments of individuality is wonderful, but being able to share our life with someone worthy is divine!
Turn your eyes to the good in the other and, above all, be the person worth sharing a life with! In life you can only be plural by being a good singular.
You may also like another article by this author. Access: Tune in – The secret to lasting relationships
