It is human nature to want to find love. A soul mate, the lid of the pot, half an orange, someone to be happy with for a lifetime. Some are lucky enough to find him at a young age. For others, love comes after an eternity. He can get into a funny situation. In the endless queue at the bank after the holiday. Sometimes love decides to appear in the workplace. Others, on unpleasant occasions. Love can have an unfamiliar face. But it could also be an old acquaintance.
At first they are shy looks. When they meet, the world goes into slow motion. It takes time for someone to take the initiative and start a conversation. It's a lot of stuff for a little time. When love takes the form of friendship, that desire to always be together, the jealousy of seeing another person close, the racing heart brings confusion. Am I confusing things? Does he/she feel the same way? What if I expose my feelings and put everything on the line? Souls know it's love, but it takes time for minds to surrender.
Come dating. The partnership for all hours. Affection and caress to make everything even better and to take the sadness away. Lightness of soul. Friendship to talk nonsense, be silly and scold. Intimacy, the complicity of the look, what makes sex even better. Confidence to be yourself and to jump into uncharted seas with your eyes closed. Respect. We could spend hours talking about the delights of dating.
The life of lovers is an adventure. They fight now, a few minutes later the two are already laughing. If things get ugly, everyone goes to their own house and that's it. Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, a message, a phone call, a hug, an I love you and everything will be fine. Even with all the challenges of life together, the lovebirds decide to get married and share the same nest.
From dating to marriage
During courtship, flaws irritate at first, but soon after it becomes funny. However, with the wedding, the panties forgotten in the bathroom, the wet towel on the bed became indefensible crimes. It's such a thing to use the bathroom with the door open, the guy doesn't help his loved one with the grocery shopping.
Another issue that marks the transition from dating to marriage is non-saudade. Encounters between boyfriends are not frequent. Longing is a powerful aphrodisiac. Couples exchange affectionate and sensual messages that spark the imagination. Preparations for the big day are many. Choosing clothes, shoes, makeup, perfume is a ritual. With marriage, the loved one is by your side every day. This proximity eliminates the need to take care of the look. She dispenses with makeup, lives in a ponytail, lingerie is for everyday wear. He prefers watching football on TV, drinking beer and eating peanuts. The loss of vanity is the first sign that the magic has ended.
Football with the office staff, no way. Lunch with friends, no way. The couple starts living for each other, in the worst sense. Living in the same house and doing everything together limits and suffocates. Souls merge, however, they are two bodies that, although sharing the same space, need to occupy other spaces as well, have their own experiences and references.
Vida de reason social
Over time, breakfast is no longer full of kisses. Ballads and parties are things of the past. Affection and care are overshadowed. In this scenario taken by disappointment, the couple begins to look at the neighbor's grass and marvel at its beauty. Other people's marriages always seem to be happier than ours. The other couples are handsome and well dressed. They earn very well, have an enviable lifestyle. The photos on Facebook and Instagram are from the various trips and parties. The other couples seem to be living a fairy tale.
However, the life exposed on social media almost never corresponds to real life. No one posts pictures with puffy eyes, with disheveled hair. Social networks should never be parameters of comparison. They lost their function of facilitating communication and became showcases. Each one decorates its own, creating pyrotechnic effects to show how beautiful and intense their lives are. On Facebook and Instagram everyone is happy.
arrival of children
The consensus is that children improve marriages. However, their arrival, however desired and planned, radically changes the couple's life. The hormonal, bodily and especially psychological changes experienced by the woman can separate the couple at a time when the union should increase. Men, mostly not prepared to deal with emotions, because they were not educated in this sense, cannot support their women.
With children, values ​​and routine change. The baby cries a lot, wakes up at dawn. The responsibility for it rests with the woman. Feeding, bathing and changing diapers steal space from vanity. For marriage not to end with the arrival of children, the couple needs to be aware that they have not ceased to be man and woman. It is necessary to reflect on the new situation and reach an agreement on how to reconcile children and life together. The situation is difficult, but harmony does not come without sacrifice.
fights
They happen even in happy marriages. When the relationship goes wrong, a misplaced word can trigger a breakup. But, what should not be said at the time of the fight?
- It's not the first time you've done this.
Focus on the topic of discussion. Throwing in the face the history of dissatisfaction with the partner aggravates the situation. The “accused” can do the same
- I do not do this
It's the same thing as saying "I'm perfect, I always do the right thing". The listener may say “if you are so perfect, look for someone else”.
- It's your family's business
Putting the family in the middle is like pouring gasoline to put out a fire. Whoever is the target of criticism will defend the family tooth and nail. Those who use this artifice will also hear unpleasant things.
- I am not angry
So why are you fighting? Denying feelings is highly harmful.
- you are childish
Whoever says the phrase places himself in a superior position. If the other is childish, he will not want to argue and the problem only increases.
- you are crazy
Worse than calling the other childish. Some men use this “tactic” to disrupt the woman.
Life out of the norm
When we get into a relationship, we don't do so without having a pattern in mind. Sometimes we want to have the same marriage as our parents, or else, do everything to not have their unhappiness. Even when our parents aren't the standards, we always have ideals about living together. We dream of sugary declarations of love in public. We also want to walk in the rain like two teenagers. We don't give up sleeping with a spoon.
These romantic ideals will not always be a part of marriage. However, this does not mean that the relationship is going through a crisis. As much as the statements don't come in the desired amount and intensity, it doesn't mean that the partner doesn't love you. Sometimes the fear of catching the flu doesn't make you walk in the rain. And on days when fatigue is greater, sprawling in bed is better than sleeping with a spoon.
Love after decades
Love can survive time. Psychology professor Arthur Aron at Stony Brook University in New York is one of the authors of the study that looked at couples together for more than 20 years who are still completely in love. The volunteers first answered the following question: “Are you still madly in love with your longtime partner?”. The other questions were about sexual frequency - average of 2 times a week - the importance of the partner and body reaction in the proximity of the partner. After the questionnaires, 10 women and 7 men underwent brain scans while looking at pictures of friends, family and their partner.
The ventral segmental region and the dorsal striatum of the respondents ascended in front of the photos of the spouses. Previous research has revealed that dopamine-rich regions – linked to reward and motivation – also rise in people who have recently fallen in love. Such a reaction is similar to someone who snorts cocaine. The volunteers also showed changes in brain regions linked to maternal bonding and a sense of kinship with a spouse, says Aron. Increased activity in the posterior hippocampus, related to hunger and desire, is linked to sexual frequency.
Arthur Aron's research suggests it's possible to fall in love again. However, psychologist Robert Epstein, an expert in love and relationships, does not agree with this. Epstein is skeptical of the findings, as the study looked at a small group and scientists may have jumped to conclusions.
How to reinvent marriage
Arthur Aron's study reveals that it is possible to fall in love again. But, science aside, there is a way to rescue the magic, the butterflies in the stomach and the pleasure of being together. Let's check out what attitudes are necessary to rescue marriage?
- Dialogue
Talking, we always understand each other. Open the game with your partner, without charges and accusations. Invite him/her to do the same. A frank conversation can revolutionize your marriage.
- organize schedule
The couple needs to define roles. If you're going to stay with the kids, the other one goes to the supermarket. If one helps the children, the other cooks and washes the dishes. Set time for the children to sleep so the couple can spend the night together.
- take care of the look
After motherhood, many women neglect their look. Maintain an appearance care routine. If you're short on money, get your nails done, take care of your skin and hair at home.
- master the budget
Paying the bills consumes the couple so much that the relationship takes a back seat. The situation gets worse when there is no money. Set financial goals and learn to control spending. Talk about money, but don't make it the center of the universe.
- Individuality
You are married, but that doesn't mean you should do everything together. If the man likes to play football, what's the problem? If the woman likes to go out with her friends, what's the drama? Couples need to understand that there is life after marriage. Maintaining individuality is essential to the health of a marriage.
- rekindle the passion
For many, marriage means having more sex. However, the exact opposite happens. Children, day-to-day fatigue cannot interfere with sex life. To rekindle the flame, you have to be creative. Exchange of sensual messages, sassy notes are welcome. Use the alone time to talk and have moments of intimacy.
Living together is an art.
Living with other people's faults without going crazy is difficult. However, it is not just the other that has flaws. Stop criticizing and recognize what is not good in itself is very important. Dialogue should never be forgotten.
Don't hold grudges. Both need to expose their fears, doubts and frustrations. The famous “DR” is always put as something boring, however, discussing not the problems, but the goals that each one has for the relationship and life as a whole allows the couple to get things right. So, don't sleep fighting, this only amplifies the problems. In addition, fighting sleep affects the quality of sleep, bringing anxiety, irritability, memory problems, learning and even a depressive condition.
Remember what made you two get married. Complicity, conversations, hugs, trust and respect. Complicity to share dreams and struggles. Conversations without fear. Warming and calming hugs. Confidence to dive with your eyes closed. Respect to expose your ideas. Respect is the key to a happy relationship, whatever it may be.
- Text written by Sumaia Santana from the Eu Sem Fronteiras Team
