Soft water on hard stone, it beats until it breaks”.
That phrase is certainly quite familiar, isn't it? What you may not know is that its possible origin is in the work of the great Roman poet Ovid (43 BC – 18 AD), in which we find something like: “Soft water digs hard stone”. As the creation of rhymes is an artifice commonly used in different cultures with the purpose of memorizing certain knowledge, it is not surprising that here we have arrived at the infamous “Soft water in hard stone, it hits until it breaks”.
At this point, however, the following question comes to me: Is this maxim true? Well, if we take this proverb as an exaltation of persistence as a virtue capable of overcoming obstacles, there is no doubt that the saying is correct. We must not forget, however, that the same popular wisdom that states that “soft water on hard stone, beats until it pierces” also guides us to “stop punching a knife”. What does this contradiction mean? Well, it basically means that popular sayings, internet texts and wisdom-laden messages shared on social media can, yes, point us in the right direction, but at the end of the day, it will be up to you, and you alone, to make a choice. And don't doubt it: giving up often proves to be the best among the many possible choices. After all, “what has no solution, is solved”.
Many years ago, when I was younger, I was very angry when, when confiding in a friend of a goal I had been pursuing, he said: “Fight for the possible things, Alex”. At the time, he struck me as insensitive, pessimistic, and even envious, so I chose to stick with my goal. The result? I ended up screwing myself. And it was screwing me that I could realize how right and committed my friend was to help me. Well, that's it. From a more impartial point of view, we see people insisting on things that, notoriously, have no future, but they, involved as they are, are often unable or unwilling to see the obvious. And the fruits that you can inevitably reap from that are anxiety, frustration, anger, depression…
I'm not saying that you should persist or give up on things based on other people's opinions. Also because, in addition to good friends willing to help us, there are also many bad intentioned people who, when they see us walking a correct path, dedicate themselves to trying to deviate us. Nor can I suggest a foolproof strategy for you to make your choices. All I can say is that certain situations demand a certain rationality, and should be faced without that romanticism that plays tricks on us so much. Decision-making requires a colder analysis, a trust in our inner wisdom and, above all, honesty with ourselves, because "the worst blind is the one who doesn't want to see".
In the school of life, relationships are often excellent teachers in both the art of persistence and the art of giving up, and if we are truly disciplined students, we will learn much about ourselves from these wise teachers that loves are. And if on the one hand I am a stern critic of the ease with which current relationships fall apart in the face of the first difficulty, on the other I am also critical of the masochistic insistence of some people on things that visibly have no future. Worse than that, just the daring to call persistence that unhealthy obstinacy in making the other change.
My dear reader, insisting when the other doesn't want to is not persistence, no. It's really stupid. And spending your life trying to get the other person to change or give you what you want is far from love. This is just selfishness, neediness, desire to win. Finally, suffering guaranteed. This is what you want? Of course, many of the layers that envelop us still insist on self-flagellation, but I'm certain that the innermost part of you longs to be free of such shackles, yearning, fervently, to be happy.
So, if there is still that sadness motivated by someone who ignores us, if there is still that desire to shape the other so that he can give us what we want in a relationship, let's dive into it then. This plunge, however, has nothing to do with insistence, which would be the same as making the wound bleed even more. It has to do with looking at the situation head on, thus seeking to understand the origins of our suffering and our affective demands.
I said in a previous article that there is no such thing as a failed relationship and I insist on it. You see: even if marked by disagreements, by the comings and goings, that relationship allows us to know more about ourselves, which requires from us a lot of commitment, a lot of honesty and self-responsibility. Understanding, therefore, is what shows us that he fulfilled his role.
And at this point you might ask me, “Alex, and in relation to the other, what do I do?” And the answer is simple: Do nothing. Give up. Just give up. And don't listen to that voice that says the other will eventually give in if you try a little harder. Unless, of course, you've seen water sticking through rocks around. This voice is just your lack speaking and does not originate from the highest points of your being. Give up, therefore, and give up suffering.
I know giving up takes courage and is far from painless. This, however, is a short-term pain, unlike the one that drags on for years when you insist on a situation that doesn't work. Give up, therefore, from that relationship in which only you give, only you strive, only you give up things to make it work. Give up that love that only gives you crumbs. Give up on that person whose skin you keep trying to save but who is never inclined to help himself. Give up on the one who doesn't give you answers, who doesn't even like the posts you make to impress and doesn't even manifest on important dates and occasions in your life. Give up what doesn't bear fruit, what doesn't bring you breath, what doesn't make you happy. Give up!
Adélia Prado (1935-) has a wonderful poem entitled “Crying to Move Jonathan”, in which the lyrical self expresses the strength and beauty of a love that transcends all things. It is, however, a love “more hopeless / than the wave crashing against the rock, / more tenacious than the rock. / He loves and doesn’t even know what he loves anymore.”
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See how extremely significant it is? No matter how stubborn the wave is, the rock remains immobile in front of it, which continues hopelessly in that movement that, as we well know, always sends it back to the same place. And the verse that closes the text is beyond pertinent, given that the loss of identity and self-love is the first consequence of a life dedicated to hitting a stone, knowing that you can never penetrate it. “He loves and doesn’t even know what he loves anymore”.
In the face of this, I ask you to please don't be that wave. There are other beings around the world who wish to be flooded by its waters. Have, therefore, an act of love for yourself, give up what makes you suffer and, once and for all, fight for the possible things.
